What I Can't Say Out Loud
by Rocklandgirl
Summary: For now a journey through how Will and Emma try to communicate so that they finally get to the heart of their true feelings.
1. Chapter 1

**What I Can't Say Out Loud**

**By rocklandgirl**

**Chapter 1**

**(I do not own Glee or have any association with Fox or the producers or writers of Glee.)**

Will sat quietly at his desk trying to focus on his lesson plans for the new semester. The holiday break had dragged by. Everyday he'd hoped to wake up to a different life. A life where he'd look at the pillow next to him and see Emma. Or even a life where he'd never met her, or heard of her … or Terri. If he could just be a clean slate without a history, starting fresh, from scratch.

This morning, January 3rd, he returned to McKinley extra early. Not just because he had work to do, but because he wanted to ease into the reality of the day. The crowded halls, the faculty members wishing each other a Happy New Year, the questions about how everyone spent their holidays.

Thinking back over the past two weeks Will did appreciate the Christmas tree that the Glee kids had decorated for him at home, and the fact that it was organized by Sue the Grinch was yet another example that she was a complex woman. Stone cold, egomaniacal – but on some level, a real human being. Christmas morning was quiet and lonely. But he had gathered his shopping bag of gifts from the closet and went to his parent's house to spend the day. Yes, Christmas day. It couldn't pass quickly enough for Will. Half-heartedly listening to his dad talk about his law school classes, watching his mother get drunk (as usual) and pretending like everything was not just normal, but really great.

And punctuating the day, the incessant distraction of Emma. He pictured her cuddled on the couch opening presents with Carl. He wondered if she slept in on Christmas morning or jumped out of bed early. In all likelihood Dr. Wonderful got her up and encouraged her to rip wrapping paper off of her gifts and throw it all over the floor so that they could bask in the delight of spontaneity and mess.

At other times Will's thoughts of Emma were more pleasant, exciting even, but total fiction. He imagined her here with him at his parent's house. As his girlfriend, or fiancé, or wife. In these visions his parents loved her. She loved them. She was kind and patient with his drunken mother. They shared loving looks across the room all day and couldn't wait to get home to be alone together. These fantasies felt amazing. But when his mother slurred some question towards him about whether or not he'd seen "that crazy ex-wife of his" Will was startled back to reality, and reality sucked. He went home that evening and decided that beer, books and movies would be the only way to survive the rest of the holiday break. New Year's was made bearable only because of the "Twilight Zone" marathon on the SyFy Channel.

So there he sat on January 3rd, sad but safe in his office with his lesson plans. He wanted desperately to avoid Emma, but he wanted to figure out how to do it without being too obvious. Her comments about his avoidance before Christmas had bothered him. He felt put on the spot. But why shouldn't he avoid her? This situation is not casual and not normal and who the hell did she think she was inviting him to a party at her home with Carl on Christmas Eve? Sometimes the anger that he felt at her, about what she had done, actually made it easier to make it through the day. So Will decided that feeling angry was good right now. Emma wasn't who he thought she was. She was someone who hurt him. She betrayed him. "OK Schuester", he thought, "this is good, this will help you get through this. Focus on how thoughtless Emma is. How she has no clue or concern about what she's put you through. You thought she loved you, but that was clearly not true. She doesn't understand real love. It's nothing like the silly superficial relationship she has with Carl!"

Armed with an attitude of cool resentment Will decided to start his day in earnest. He would make his way to the Teacher's Lounge for a cup of coffee before his 1st Period Spanish class. As he neared the corner across from Emma's office Will was careful to walk as if he was wearing blinders, smiling and nodding briefly to some of the kids and other teachers, but not veering from his intended course. Straight into the lounge, to the coffee pot, pleasant exchanges with Shannon about _her_ holidays with _her_ crazy family. It was nice to keep the focus on someone else and then get the hell out of there before the conversation could move to his holiday experiences.

Will took the coffee back to his office so he could pick up what he needed for first period. He kept moving forward, as if guided by some remote control. Around the corner, into his office, he set his coffee down momentarily as he scooped up the files and papers he needed. Stuffing them into his bag, he slung the strap over his shoulder, grabbed his cup and started out again when a flash of color on his desk caught his eye. It hadn't been there before he went to get coffee.

It was blue, deep blue. A deep blue sealed envelope with his name – Will – on the front. The handwriting unmistakable. It was Emma's. He picked it up slowly, as if he might just be dreaming and about to reach for a mirage. No, it was real. And in his hand, it felt somewhat thick and weighty. Not a card, a letter.

Will thought for a moment and decided to wait until his free period to read the letter. He wished he had the resolve to put it in his bag and wait until he went home after school, but that was unlikely. So he placed the envelope in his top desk drawer, a drawer that he sometimes locked. This morning he would lock that drawer to keep the letter safe until his return.

**(NOTE: This is my first fanfic ever. Wemma is my favorite thing about Glee and I've been surviving on reading fanfic for awhile now since lately I've been losing faith in the story development on the actual show! Would really appreciate you reading, reviewing and commenting. Many thanks and Happy New Year!)**


	2. Chapter 2

**What I Can't Say Out Loud**

**By rocklandgirl**

**Chapter 2**

**(Sorry for the delay, between getting back to the post-holiday routine, plus basic writer's block and fear, it took me longer than I'd hoped to get the second chapter up. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the reviews! Really appreciate the feedback! Please keep reading and reviewing if you'd be so kind.)**

**(I do not own Glee or have any association with Fox or the producers or writers of Glee.)**

_(End of Chapter 1: Will thought for a moment and decided to wait until his free period to read the letter. He wished he had the resolve to put it in his bag and wait until he went home after school, but that was unlikely. So he placed the envelope in his top desk drawer, a drawer that he sometimes locked. This morning he would definitely lock that drawer to keep the letter safe until his return.)_

Emma sat in her office, her heart pounding as she imagined Will reading her letter. She couldn't stand the idea of starting 2011 with the same tension and strain that she'd felt before the holidays. She thought back to last summer. The summer of Carl. Yes, she'd missed Will during the summer, but she was still hurt and angry that the man she had adored and fantasized about for over 2 years could hurt her so badly. Carl was new and fun and full of surprises. Somehow she was able to take chances with him. Not too many, mind you, but for Emma it was a wonderful distraction from the disappointment and heartbreak of what had happened with Will.

Not seeing Will over the holidays, however, was different. It felt different. For one thing, she thought about him a lot. She tried not to, but she found herself losing focus. Trying to listen to Carl tell a story about _whatever_ … a particularly difficult root canal, the new car he wanted her to look at, plans for a _real_ honeymoon … she lost herself in wondering about Will. What he might be doing. How he was feeling. Maybe he'd met someone. Maybe he was dating. Maybe he was in love. Maybe he was getting married. When her imagination went into overdrive she'd shake it off and think, "C'mon Emma, don't be ridiculous …" then she'd remember how quickly and dramatically she'd changed her own life since last Spring. Not to mention the changes since the end of November.

And so the break passed slowly. The party on Christmas Eve was okay. But barely. Emma had never hosted a party in her life. Carl obviously had a great deal of experience in the party department. The hired bartenders, the caterer, the decorations – it all felt like _a bit much_ to Emma – but she decided to give herself over to the newness of it all. It was another example of participating in a "Carl idea" as she'd come to call them. Mixing red and green grapes, going to a public movie theater, trick or treating on Halloween, eloping to Vegas … they all kind of fell into this one big category called "Carl ideas". And she'd gone along with them all as if they would ultimately have equal weight and importance in her life.

Christmas brought diamond earrings for Emma, a new watch for Carl … and snuggling on the sofa through countless Bowl Games with football teams that Emma knew and cared little about. But it helped pass the time. And as the evenings drew into late nights Emma would fall asleep next to Carl on the sofa, feigning more exhaustion than a healthy 31 year old woman should have. He'd go into the bedroom, she'd stay behind to tidy up the kitchen and turn out the lights. Thankfully most nights Carl was snoring by the time she went to bed. He had been patient about sex so far. But she knew that it was not likely to be something that could or should be avoided forever. Being a 31 year old virgin was bad enough, she thought … but a 31 year old married virgin? She knew the time would come with Carl, and it would probably be great … or good … _or hopefully okay enough to not dread terribly after the first time was over with. _And she knew he'd be gentle and understanding. And there was no denying that he was handsome. Still, she kept putting it off until tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

In the meantime, her mind slipped back to Will, which gave her some kind of different feeling. It started as a mixture of excitement and solace which soon gave way to guilt that she still thought about him so much. Then finally the sadness. An indescribable aching. But after so many years of being a bystander in life, Emma had decided to participate. Dating Carl had been the first step. Then marrying him. And so she told herself that in time she would barely remember when Will Schuester had been so important to her.

Finally the holidays were winding to a close, as was 2010. New Year's Eve was a big deal for Carl. He let Emma know that he had always loved everything about New Year's and that he had an amazing night planned for them both. A lovely, overpriced dinner for two at a romantic place outside of town followed by a party at the home of his colleague. So this "eve" was spent with the same well-meaning but boring people that had come to their Christmas Eve party. Boring not because they didn't do anything … but they didn't do anything that Emma had any interest in. She thought consciously that perhaps the way to survive the evening would be to get a little drunk, but she quickly changed her mind when she saw Carl downing glass after glass of champagne. Emma was definitely going to be the designated driver.

And so shortly after midnight, having avoided sloppy kisses from a bunch of total strangers, Emma took the car keys, poured Carl into the passenger seat and drove home carefully avoiding the crazies on the road. Getting a drunk, half-sleeping husband from the car to the condo was not something Emma had ever pictured herself doing before, but she managed as Carl's nearly dead weight hung around her shoulder and he slurred compliments about how 2010 had brought him the "most a-a-a-adooorable wife in the wooorld …" He fell face first into the bed, much too close to her side for Emma to seriously consider sliding in next to him. She went instead back out to the living room, turned on the TV and poured herself a glass of wine.

That's when the thoughts started, and the cycle came around again. Will … the initial feeling of exhilaration, then the pain, then the sadness. That's when she decided to get it all out. Out of her head, if not out of her system. She would write it all down in a letter to Will. Maybe he would never see it … but she had to write it down, at least as much as she could for now.

She selected her favorite stationary … periwinkle blue … from the desk drawer in the den. Settling on the sofa, she began.

_Dear Will,_

_It's nearly 1am on this first day of 2011. I'm wondering what you're doing. Probably at a party or on a date. I'm at home now, the New Year's Day "Twilight Zone" marathon is starting. I love those. Did you know that about me? I love the "Twilight Zone". In fact I'm pretty sure there isn't an episode I haven't seen. My favorite is the one with the woman who works in the department store where all the mannequins come to life._

_Anyway, I'm not sure why I'm writing this letter to you. All I know is that I need to feel like I'm getting through to you somehow. I realize that it may seem selfish of me, and maybe it is, but the distance between us now is very hard for me to handle. _

_You've known for a long time now that I don't have much experience in relationships. And I guess that has a lot to do with the naïve way I thought we could go back to being friends after everything that happened … or almost happened … or didn't happen … between us. To be honest though, I'm not sure what it would be like to be your friend, because I'm not sure I ever really was your friend. _

_When I first started to know you I wasn't aware of having ulterior motives. Not me. I'm a "nice girl". I wasn't going to chase a married man. But I was attracted to you from the beginning, and I didn't know enough about life to even consider that it might be dangerous to get to know you, or to let you know me. It's one thing to feel a quiet thrill when you'd walk into the teacher's lounge at lunch time – but then I found myself planning my day around you and your schedule. Turning every smile from you into an epic event. Then going home alone each evening to the local news and Sue's Corner and remembering that you were home too. Home with your wife, your pregnant wife … and your future that was completely separate from mine. You were with her. Grading papers. Watching TV. Climbing into bed. Bedtime. That's when I knew I was getting too close to you, at least in my fantasies._

_In those days I put you on an impossible pedestal. It never really dawned on me that the day would come that you'd care for me. At least not in the same way I cared for you. I did some crazy things. All of my control issues and fear and strict rules really made me feel like the only choice I had was to marry Ken. A man I did not love at all. A man I had no intention of ever living with or allowing to touch me. But somehow I thought that being connected to someone else would mean I wasn't alone and I'd stop thinking about you. We both know how that ended._

_I care about Glee Club. And even though I'm not sure I'm really suited for the job, I've always wanted to be a Guidance Counselor and I'm glad it's my job and on some days I think I even help the kids. But I was selfish. So much of the energy I put into Glee and my work was somehow connected to you. I'd like to think you weren't the center of my universe, but you were._

_It's hard, especially since our relationship has changed, to explain my life to you at this point. I'm not sure you want to know … and I'm not sure I know how to describe it. All I know tonight is that what began as a sideways glance and smile from Carl turned into one date, then two, then weeks and months. Laughing, trying new things … small to some people maybe, but big things for me. Letting the wind mess up my hair in Carl's Corvette, running from my car to my apartment in the rain with no umbrella, the grapes mixed together in one bowl. I was able to try those things with Carl because we had no history. I felt like I could just do it … whatever it was … with no bad consequences. With you when something went wrong it felt like my whole world would crumble, especially after you knew I was a virgin and no matter how much I wanted you to be the one, I was scared of not being enough._

_So here I am. Trying to make sense of a very new life in this new year. If we were friends now, like we were when you were the married one, maybe we'd sit together at school and I'd confide and complain, and maybe you'd try to help. But this is different and a lot has happened. You were married to Terri when we met. You didn't run off and marry her out of the blue leaving me confused and hurt. I guess this letter, which I may not even give you, is my attempt to tell you that in my own way I'm just as confused about me as you are now. I am glad that I know how to have fun and let go in new and different ways … but for all of the positive effects of "losing control" I feel like some other force is controlling me now. And it's kind of scary. I needed to let someone know, and that "someone" is you … lucky you._

_I won't pursue a friendship with you, Will. If we're in meetings together at school, or in the lounge at the same time, I promise to keep my distance and not try to re-create something that is over. _

_Thank you for reading this (if I give it to you). I really hope and pray that 2011 is a good year for you. You deserve it._

_Take care, Emma_

Over the weekend Emma re-read the letter a hundred times. It didn't really make much sense to her, but it was better than the sadness and confusion and nothingness, so Monday came and Emma delivered the letter to Will's office when she saw him slip down the hallway for his morning coffee.

For Will the morning was dragging by, waiting till his free period to get back to his office. When he opened his desk drawer he felt great relief to see the blue envelope. It wasn't a dream. There was a letter from Emma. What if she was telling him to stay away from her? What if she was telling him that Carl wanted to move to another city or state or country? What if, what if, what if.

He sat down, opened the envelope and unfolded the letter. Before he could focus on one word he was reminded of how much he loved her handwriting. How happy he'd been the first time he noticed her handwriting on the sign up sheet to chaperon for Invitationals almost two years ago. His mind almost wandered back to that day, the shared PB&J … but the time had come to deal with the present reality that he held in his hands. Putting on his reading glasses, Will read the letter.

**(NOTE: Hope you enjoy! I'm praying for some kind, any kind of Wemma connection as Season 2 continues next month – till then I live to read fanfic and get your reviews! Oh, and sometimes I actually remember that I have my own life and career …)**


	3. Chapter 3

**What I Can't Say Out Loud**

**By rocklandgirl**

**Chapter 3**

**(This may be fairly short, but want to keep the continuity of the story going. We've got a way to go between now and episodes resuming next month!)**

**(I do not own Glee or have any association with Fox or the producers or writers of Glee.)**

_(End of Chapter 2: Returning to his office for the free period he closed his door and settled behind his desk, opened the envelope and unfolded the letter. Before he could focus on one word he was reminded of how much he loved her handwriting. How happy he'd been the first time he noticed her handwriting on the sign up sheet to chaperon for Invitationals almost two years ago. His mind almost wandered back to that day, the shared PB&J … but the time had come to deal with the present reality that he held in his hands. Putting on his reading glasses, Will read the letter.)_

Will sat quietly and read the letter slowly, over and over again, three times. The first time he read it with the hope that the next sentence or paragraph would say something definitive like, _"I'm leaving Carl …" or "I love you and I've made a huge mistake …"_, but it never came. Instead he finished reading and was more confused than ever. He wasn't sure if he felt better because Emma had tried to make some kind of contact with him … or worse because it made it harder to let go.

Truth is, he felt like walking to her office, storming through the glass door and asking her what the hell she was trying to prove by writing him this letter. Playing the scene out in his head it sometimes ended with him telling her that she should leave him alone … other times it culminated in a passionate kiss. Either way, his impulse to see her was one that he decided not to act on. Not yet.

Instead he put one foot in front of the other and made it through the day. He ate lunch in his office and thought about doing whatever it took to avoid Emma for now.

Meanwhile Emma sat in her office, a pit in her stomach as the clock ticked the day away with no word from Will. She was confused too. His lack of response felt like a relief and a punishment at the same time. She also ate lunch in her office, deciding to avoid having to talk to anyone over the age of 17. Not a day went by that Emma didn't wonder about the irony of being a Guidance Counselor … a confidante and mentor to students … sitting during the most personal conversations in a glass fishbowl of an office for all passersby to see. But eating lunch alone at her desk she imagined that she was invisible. In fact she felt sort of invisible today.

This day passed into another and another. The weekend came, still no communication from Will. Their paths didn't cross. Will made his trips to the lounge short, excusing himself whenever Shannon asked if he wanted to join her. Two thoughts went through Emma's mind about the whole letter thing. One, that Will wanted nothing to do with her … which broke her heart. The other, that someone had intercepted the letter. Someone like Sue, who would use it against her somehow at some point. Like blurting it out the next time she sees Carl pick her up after school. That thought scared the hell out of her.

The late January freeze had set in as though it would never break. The halls were filled now with sign-up sheets to decorate for the Valentine's Day dance. This year the dance was being done in the Sadie Hawkins tradition where the girls invite the boys. Posters were being put up everywhere. The whole thought of love … the Cupid mobile hanging in the front hall of the school … made Emma's heart sink. It didn't feel like the way it should feel for a newlywed about to spend her first Valentine's Day with her handsome new husband.

It was on the morning of Friday, January 28th, that Emma heard from Will. Over three weeks since her letter to him she was checking her mail slot in the office to find an envelope addressed to "Emma Pillsbury, Guidance Counselor". If she hadn't recognized Will's handwriting, she would have assumed it was a note from a school administrator, or perhaps something dropped off by a parent. The fear and disappointment of this impersonal address pushed all of the air out of her lungs.

She went back to her office, waited for first period to begin so that the halls were empty, then tore into the letter and began to read.

_Emma,_

_I got your letter a few weeks ago. I didn't know exactly what to do so I decided not to do anything right away. If it seems like I've been ignoring you or avoiding you since then, that's because I have been. _

_What strikes me as somewhat interesting is how keenly astute you are about some things, and how completely clueless you are about others. In one moment you claim to understand how confused and hurt I was by your sudden Vegas wedding, but somehow that didn't prevent you from inviting me to spend Christmas Eve with you and hubby at your first holiday party … in the home you share with each other. You can call it naïve, Emma … but to me it was hurtful and kind of crazy._

_I told you last spring how I felt about you. Well, that hasn't changed, but in time I imagine it will. I'm sorry that you're having a hard time sorting out your feelings now, but you'll have to do it without me. I'm still angry and hurt and pretty exhausted by the whole thing, but life goes on and I'm going to make the best of it._

_You're married. What happened with Carl in Vegas was more than a fun-filled weekend. It was, and it is, a commitment that I assume you both plan to take seriously._

_Good luck … Will_

From the first word to the final salutation a churning rolled through Emma's gut. When she finished reading she grabbed the letter, stuffed it into her purse then ran to a stall in the teacher's ladies room in record time where she promptly threw up.

As for most people, and even more so for Emma, vomiting was a horrifying, disgusting experience … but she lost it completely. It felt as if every internal organ was leaving her body. Everything she'd eaten in the past 24 hours was gone, leaving her with the dry heaves. She couldn't catch her breath, she felt like she might faint. Sliding to the ground she didn't even care that she was sitting on the floor of a public school restroom, arms crossed on the toilet seat to cradle her spinning head.

"_In through the nose … out through the mouth …"_ she thought as she practiced the slow, deep breathing techniques she'd learned to quell her panic attacks. As her racing heart finally began to slow a bit, she flushed then stood up gradually and steadied herself against the inside of the stall door. She turned, opened the door and pushed it slightly. It swung open to reveal a sight more frightening than vomit in the toilet. In all her glory there was Sue Sylvester leaning against the sink.

Emma stared at her in silence, eyes watery and bloodshot as Sue simply smirked and said, _"So Elmo … a little morning sickness for the newlywed? I guess I owe you an apology. I would have bet my next Cheerios national title that you were still the virgin bride."_

**(NOTE: Sorry for the delay with this. Also, meant to make this chapter a bit longer, but I'm saving some stuff for the next chapter. Trying to keep the faith for all things Wemma. Did enjoy catching a glimpse of Jayma at the Golden Globes on TV just now! As always, reviews are greatly appreciated!)**


	4. Chapter 4

**What I Can't Say Out Loud**

**By rocklandgirl**

**Chapter 4**

**(So very sorry for the delay in getting back to this story. It's been a busy, snowy few weeks. Hopefully I can pick it up where I left off!)**

**(I do not own Glee or have any association with Fox or the producers or writers of Glee.)**

_(End of Chapter 3: "__In through the nose … out through the mouth …"__ she thought as she practiced the slow, deep breathing techniques she'd learned to quell her panic attacks. As her racing heart finally began to slow a bit, she flushed then stood up gradually and steadied herself against the inside of the stall door. She turned, opened the door and pushed it slightly. It swung open to reveal a sight more frightening than vomit in the toilet. In all her glory there was Sue Sylvester leaning against the sink. Emma stared at her in silence, eyes watery and bloodshot as Sue simply smirked and said, __"So Elmo … a little morning sickness for the newlywed? I guess I owe you an apology. I would have bet my next Cheerios national title that you were still the virgin bride.")_

Emma panicked at the sight of Sue. Stopped dead in her tracks she stammered, _"Sue … I, I … thought I was alone in here."_

Sue shot back, _"Nope Eloise, this is a public school … remember? Ya' don't get a private potty! Sorry! Even with a bun in the oven and puking all morning long, ya' gotta share the facilities."_

"_Bun? Oven? No Sue … that's not what's going on here …"_

Swinging the door open to leave, Sue departed with a final, horrifying response, _"Oh Ginger, don't fret! Your secret's safe with me. When have I been anything less than completely trustworthy? Don't answer that!"_

Emma tried in vain to explain herself … _"Sue, really there's a bug going around …"_ It was no use, she was gone. In the time it took Emma to make her way back to her office to grab her toiletry bag and run back to the restroom to brush her teeth, Sue was already standing in the doorway of teacher's lounge watching Will take his regular seat and unwrapping his lunch.

Slapping him on the back, Sue pulled up a chair, _"William! Como estas?"_

"_Hey Sue. I'm okay, how are you?"_

"_Thanks Willy-boy for not continuing our conversation in Spanish. I hate it when you say one thing in a foreign language and the other person thinks it's an invitation to continue the entire conversation that way even though it's not your native language. It's just weird." _

Helping herself to one of Will's potato chips, Sue continued, _"You know what else is weird?"_

"_What Sue?"_

"_Emma Pillsbury-Howell."_

"_Excuse me?"_

"_You heard me. Technically I guess she's a 'who' not a 'what'. She was always weird, but the hyphenated name, in other words the fact that she's married, it's weird."_

"_How so?"_

"_Oh come on, Will. Don't tell me you weren't a little bit taken aback that your lady love ran off to Vegas and married the smolderingly handsome, but kind of creepy Dr. Howell."_

"_Old news, Sue. Give it a rest."_

"_I know. I know. But you and I have never actually chatted about the situation."_

"_There's a reason for that. I don't want to discuss it with you … or with anyone, for that matter."_

"_Shucks Will. The way I see it, you dodged a major bullet there, ending that relationship."_

"_Sue, I didn't end it, if you remember correctly … Emma dumped me in front of everyone in this very room last Spring when she thought I'd cheated on her."_

"_Whatever ..."_ Sue didn't want to discuss that particular piece of history, since she played a big part by lying to Emma about Will sleeping with April. _"The point is I really think you've handled it very well, all things considered. Especially now."_

"_OK Sue, if you aren't going to stop so I can eat my lunch … I'll play along. Especially now what?"_

"_Oh, thought you knew. Especially now that the Virgin Queen is preggers with a little Howell-baby!"_

Will's appetite vanished. He felt all of the oxygen leave the room. The look on his face said it all, as a very smug and satisfied Sue Sylvester grabbed a few more chips and walked out of the lounge.

**(As always, would love to hear your reviews! Everyone has been so encouraging … and reading everyone else's fanfics really inspires me!)**


	5. Chapter 5

**What I Can't Say Out Loud**

**By rocklandgirl**

**Chapter 5**

**(Again, I apologize for the long time since my last update. I've felt a bit lost about this story, but I'm going to continue to keep the flame alive. Just watched "Blame It on the Alcohol", so I'm feeling even great longing for the future of Wemma.)**

**(I do not own Glee or have any association with Fox or the producers or writers of Glee.)**

"_Oh, thought you knew. Especially now that the Virgin Queen is preggers with a little Howell-baby!"_

Just hearing those words from Sue of all people made Will feel like he'd been kicked in the gut. After she dropped that bomb in the teacher's lounge he excused himself, practically knocking a few faculty members out of the way making his exit. But he made it through that day, somehow. And the next day, and the next. Finally the weekend came, alone in his apartment watching a hockey game, his thoughts wandered again.

How stupid could he have been? Of course … a baby. What did he expect? Emma had run off and gotten married, he was hearing rumors around the school that she and Dr. Wonderful were looking for a house … what did he expect? So, she's a wife. She's clearly not a virgin anymore. She's now going to be a mother. _"And she's not doing any of this with you, Will …"_ he shook his head and cracked open a beer.

It was driving him crazy. He hadn't seen Emma in more than a week. She was avoiding him and he was avoiding her. And the only real communication they'd had in over a month had been a few letters. His, in particular, had been fairly cold … no wonder Emma had been steering clear of him.

After a few beers, the distraction of thinking about Emma and all of his regrets became too much. Heading off to get ready for bed Will talked aloud to his reflection in the bathroom mirror as he reached for his toothbrush, _"Okay Schuester, enough is enough. Life goes on. She's happy and fulfilled and you have the right to find happiness too. And not only that, you can have your own life __and__ be happy for Emma."_

Waking up the next morning it was as if the universe had heard his declaration. He felt a little bit better. It was like he could face the future. He had faith that time would heal the hurt. And not only did he feel somewhat lighter, he was truly happy to hear from his new friend, Holly Holiday on Saturday afternoon. After running into the grocery store for a few items he found his cell phone message light blinking when he got back into his clunker. Will smiled to himself when he played back the voicemail …

"_Hey Willie boy! Guess who? It's Holly! How's it hangin? Listen … I just wanted to give you a call to let you know that I'm going to be back at McKinley for awhile. I really want to see the look on your face when I tell you what my new assignment is. So I guess I'll just see you on Monday. Looking forward to it!"_

Monday morning couldn't come quickly enough. Will felt revived and refreshed, like he had some kind of edge just knowing that Holly was going to be there. At the very least it would be fun to sit and laugh with her … she really cracked him up.

Will strolled into the teacher's lounge early to grab a cup of coffee. There, of all people, sat Emma making small talk with Shannon. It was nice the way Shannon was with Emma … funny, but kind. On the outside the two women couldn't have appeared to be more opposite, but there was some shared sweetness between them that warmed Will's heart. He'd seen the two of them chatting from afar, but having kept his distance from Emma for awhile his assessment of their friendship was based purely on observation.

Fueled with happier, more positive energy than he'd had in month, Will approached their table, "Happy Monday ladies … mind if I join you?"

Emma looked as though she might choke on her tea as Shannon pulled out a chair, "Course not buddy boy … how was your weekend?"

"Great … just great … and yours?" Will asked looking first at Shannon, then Emma.

"Well, I'm a little achy, I hate to admit. I painted my kitchen all by myself."

"Shannon, you should've called me. I would've helped you."

"Thanks Will, I would have, but I didn't even plan on doing it. I went to Home Depot for a few things and somehow I started looking at paint chips and decided to go home and paint my kitchen. If I'd stopped to call anyone to help me I would have lost my momentum!"

Emma watched the ease of their conversation, like watching a friendly tennis match … back and forth, back and forth. She felt a pang in her heart. She had nothing to add. Then Will looked directly at her.

"So Emma, what about you? I hear you and Carl are house-hunting?" In all honesty Will had to admit he was waiting for Emma to stand up so he could see if there was the hint of a Pillsbury-Howell baby bump, much as the thought nauseated him.

"Oh … uh … yes. We are. Sort of. Yes." Why did she sound so nervous? It was as if she'd never uttered a word to Will in her life. Now here she sat grasping for words and rambling incoherently … "It's hard though … finding what you really want. I mean the place you live is so important and like most people there are like five things that are really important to me in a house. And we'll see a place that has, say, three or four of those things … but then it comes up short on the other things that matter even more …"

"Yeah … I can imagine …" Will forced a smile. "Tell me, what's the most important thing to you in your search for a house?"

"New and clean … I guess that's two things. I just don't see myself living where anyone else has lived."

Shannon smiled and glanced furtively in Will's direction … "Well Emma, don't worry … when you and Carl find the right place, you'll just know it. You'll walk in and you'll say '_this is it__!_'"

"Yes … this IS it!" A full, melodic voice could be heard shouting from the doorway. At once Will, Shannon and Emma looked up to see Holly Holliday strutting into the lounge, her arms spread wide as if to say "Hello McKinley High … I'm back and better than ever".

"Hey Schuester … way too long since I've seen that boyish grin of yours!"

Will jumped up …"Holly! Hey … got your message … I'm so psyched that you're back! This is terrific!" He met her with a hug.

Emma, meanwhile, shrank further into her chair … a move which did not go unnoticed by Shannon.

"Shannon … Emma … I want you to meet the most awesome substitute teacher in the history of substitute teachers … the ever-lovely Miss Holly Holliday."

"Sounds like a porn name …" Emma thought to herself.

Will gushed over Holly some more as he explained, "Shannon's our football coach and athletic director and Emma is our guidance counselor.

Shannon shook Holly's had, greeting her with a warm smile. Emma barely moved in her seat. "Hello. We didn't meet that last time you were here … I was out at a special county meeting for guidance counselors that week …"

Holly quickly interjected, "Whoa … keep me away from meetings like that! I hated my guidance counselor in high school. She couldn't guide anybody anywhere. I'll never forget her. A total prude. Look up 'spinster' in the dictionary and there's Miss What's-Her-Name …"

"I thought you said you'd never forget her?" Emma shot back.

"Oh, I won't. Her name doesn't matter. What I'll never forget is that she didn't have a clue about anything important to the kids. I suppose she did okay with college applications and transcripts and stuff … but nothing that mattered, like guys."

Shannon started to feel the tension building, "So, it's nice to feel the temperature rise above 40° outside, isn't it?"

Will chimed in, "It sure is … this has been the longest winter I can remember …"

Emma had taken an immediate dislike to Holly and she wasn't done letting her know … so as much as she noticed Will and Shannon's attempt at changing the subject, she continued.

"So Miss Holliday …"

"Miss Holliday? C'mon! It's Holly! Even students don't call me Miss Holliday. And if they do, I lower their grades!" Holly cracked herself up again. Will too.

"Sorry … you were about to ask me something?"

"Yes, Holly …" Emma almost gagged on the name "Aren't you the one who tried to take Will's job away from him back in November?"

Will quickly responded, "Oh Em … that was a big misunderstanding …"

"Sure was!" Holly sat at the table and leaned in, almost whispering for effect, "I was taken into the clutches of the Evil Coach Sue Sylvester during her brief but frightening reign as Principle here at McKinley. She convinced me that Will was not doing a good job with the Glee Club and needed to be replaced." Now she was laughing and talking loudly again, "Hell, she took me out for a mani/pedi and paid to get my highlights done. I figured I'd hit the job jackpot! But of course that was before I met the man himself." Holly batted her eyelashes in Will's direction as he put his hand to his chest and replied, "Ah Holly … be still my beating heart."

This was all Emma could stand. The day's work hadn't even begun and she felt like she'd been dragged over hot coals … by a hot woman … who looked hot in her black leather jacket and short gray skirt … and obviously was making Will hot too. And then, just when Emma thought it couldn't get any worse, it did, as Holly announced, focusing on Will, "So Tiger … guess who I'm subbing for this week?"

"Who? I've been dying to know ever since you left that voicemail on Saturday …"

"Mr. Somebody … can't remember his name … he's the geriatric health teacher. Probably taking the week off for colonoscopies and stress tests. And you'll never guess what topic the class is just starting on … today of all days?"

Emma quipped, "Acne? Bad breath?"

"Nope … sex!"

Will blurted out loudly, "Sex? You're teaching Sex Ed?"

Holly responded, "Well, as they say … when you want a job done right, call in the experts!"

Holly and Will sat there, lost in their own little world of laughter and smiles and seemingly private jokes … and Emma wanted to die. As she had all morning, Shannon was still picking up on Emma's reactions like she had antennae. She thought to herself … "This isn't right … something here just isn't right … I wish I could do something."

"Hey Emma" Shannon leaned over and patted her on the arm, "I gotta go down to the gym now … you have a good day, okay?"

"Thanks Shannon, you too …" Shannon and Emma left the lounge and went their separate ways. Holly and Will didn't even notice them leave.


	6. Chapter 6

**What I Can't Say Out Loud**

**By rocklandgirl**

**Chapter 6**

**(This chapter is starting to slowly turn the story in a slight different direction given the events of "Sexy" and some of my thoughts about what may lie ahead for the back six. Hope you enjoy. Not sure if I'm getting too hung up on the dialogue?)**

**(I do not own Glee or have any association with Fox or the producers or writers of Glee.)**

Days passed slowly as Emma tried to avoid the chipper Miss Holliday gracing the halls of McKinley. Especially after the very embarrassing conversation she and Carl had had with her. She hated the idea that this woman, of all people, knew her intimate business. And naturally everyone loved her. The kids. And Will. Will. Will. It seemed like every time she saw Will for two solid weeks, Holly was with him. Singing. Laughing. Joking. Private jokes. It was sickening and stupid and ridiculous. But clearly Holly had kept her word. She hadn't betrayed Emma's confidence. Still, Holly's presence in the school drove Emma nuts. She wanted her gone. Soon.

It was late on a Friday afternoon and Emma was catching up on paperwork in her office. Glancing up she saw Will heading down the hallway. She couldn't stand it any longer. He looked her way and waved. Without thinking, she waved back and motioned for him to come in. He walked to the doorway, his eyebrows raised his tone somewhat cool:

"What's up? You wanted to see me?"

"Er .. uh .. yes, yes I did … I mean, I do …"

"What is it Emma?"

"Well, Will … I'm a little concerned about something. It seems that Principal Figgins has been hearing from some parents about your friend Holly Holliday."

"Excuse me? What about her?"

Emma stumbled over her response, trying desperately to appear articulate, "Well, it seems that her fairly blunt and unconventional way of teaching the kids about things they shouldn't even be hearing about at all at this point in their lives … well, it's causing quite a stir …"

"Look Emma, not only has Figgins already talked to Holly about this … it just so happens that Mr. Potter is coming back to school on Monday. He's recuperated from his gall bladder surgery. Today is Holly's last day at McKinley."

"Oh … well, good. I mean, it's just too much too soon. That's all I'm saying."

Will felt himself getting really irritated at Emma for her puritanical attitude. She clearly didn't like Holly and was just looking for any reason to pick on her. Why couldn't she just move on with her life and her dentist husband and her baby on the way and her house hunting and leave him alone?

"Emma, look … if you'd like to complain about Holly, don't tell me about it. I think she's terrific. I like her. She's a breath of fresh air around here and if that includes demonstrating how to put a condom on a cucumber, so be it. What's the big deal?"

Emma was stunned, glancing down at the desk then back up at Will, "Sorry, I didn't realize you were so sensitive about the whole thing."

"Me? Me? I'm sensitive? What the hell, Emma? You're the one who's all worked up about Holly. Or is it just the pregnancy hormones that have you extra crazy?"

In a flash, Emma stood up at her desk and glared at Will. "Pregnancy hormones? What are you talking about Will?"

"It's okay Emma. You don't have to tell me your personal business. But that doesn't mean that Sue isn't going to spread it around."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

Will took a deep breath and collected himself then continued, "It's alright. Look, let's just stop this now. You don't like Holly. You don't like Sex Ed. You're entitled to your opinion."

"What did Sue say to you Will … don't change the subject!"

"She told me you're pregnant. Congratulations … I'm sure you and Carl must be very excited."

"Will …"

"I hope you're feeling okay …"

Getting louder, Emma tried again to interrupt him, "Will .."

"… I imagine the morning sickness will stop soon …"

"Will … for God's sakes … I'm not having a baby! I don't know why Sue told you that, but it's not true. Listen to me … read my lips … I am not pregnant!"

The moment hung in the air for what felt like an hour. Finally her words started to sink in. Will's tone confused but softer, "What? Why?"

A sudden realization came to Emma, like a ton of bricks hitting her in the head. She sat back down as she remembered the day in the Ladies Room. The day that she'd read Will's reply to her letter almost six weeks earlier … his letter that sent her to the bathroom to puke her guts out. The day she walked out of the stall to be greeted by Sue … _"So Elmo … a little morning sickness for the newlywed? I guess I owe you an apology. I would have bet my next Cheerios national title that you were still the virgin bride."_

"Will, listen … it's very simple really. I was ill a few weeks back … and, well, Sue decided to jump to her own conclusions. Anyway, it's not true. I am not having a baby. I may not be crazy about your new friend, or girlfriend, or whatever … but it's got nothing to do with pregnancy hormones."

"Wow … uh, Em … I'm sorry."

Emma responded quickly and sharply, "I would think you'd know better than to automatically believe anything Sue says."

Somehow the irony of that comment was not lost on either Will or Emma, but the conversation ended abruptly as Holly tapped on the glass, waiting for Will.

"Okay Em … gotta go. I'm glad we cleared this up." And he was gone. Out the door and through the parking lot Emma watched him leave with Holly through her office window. She watched Will laughing and grinning and gushing like a teenager with his first crush. Tears welled in her eyes, but she swallowed hard, took a deep breath and packed up to go home. Home to an empty condo. Empty. Carl was at the Radisson. He'd left her. And that was a secret shared only by Emma, Carl and, oddly enough … Holly.

As Emma headed across the lot to her own car, a voice boomed, "Hey Emma … wait up!" She turned to see Shannon headed her way.

"Shannon, hi … how are you?" Emma was polite, but intent on escaping to the privacy of her car and the isolation of the condo.

"I'm okay. I came by today, but you weren't around. How about we go for a quick drink?"

"Oh gee, thanks Shannon, but I should get home."

"Sorry, I sometimes forget that some people have someone at home waiting for them! Just thought a little happy hour might be in order … it's been a long week."

The idea of someone waiting at home stung a bit for Emma … but of course, Shannon didn't know about the recent difficulties she'd been having with Carl.

Going out for drinks with other faculty members was far from being common practice for Emma. In fact, she could count on two fingers the number of times she'd socialized with any of her colleagues, but she liked Shannon. She felt safe with Shannon. And going home to think about Will and Holly out on a date together … or worse, at Will's apartment alone … was not something Emma wanted to do.

"You know what Shannon? I think happy hour is a great idea. Carl's out of town", she lied, "so let's go!"

"Terrific! Follow me in your car. There's a beer and a shot waiting for both of us!"

**(I promise to continue soon. Wanted to make this a longer chapter, but this is all I can do tonight so I'm posting it now. Reviews, as always, are greatly appreciated!)**


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